The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus
by burnstuff
Summary: What really happened when Jesus released the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Chapter 4 up.
1. Default Chapter

The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus. (snort)

Disclaimer: I wrote the bible. it was all you stupid fucks that munched it. I had written it all perfectly to mock God just before we were to destroy heaven. Anyways since my version is better here is an extract.

Warning: After reading this you will never see God in the same way again. Mwah. All I'm offering is the truth.....

Jesus sorted through a large pile of scrolls. He knew this was wrong, but he was curious like most mortals. Sure, God has said not to go through his 'secret stash' well this one anyway. (he had full access to the other one).  
'This is God's fault' he thought to himself, 'He's the one who invented curiousity.'

He started to panic, as he was that sort of person, thinking God would catch him. At last he uncovered four discoloured scrolls, buried deep within the pile. Almost shaking with excitement, Jesus grabbed them and stuffed them into the sleeves of his robes.

Glancing nervously around, he made a run for the door. Flinging it open, he was about to flee for the sanctity of the whore house when he came face-to-face with the Archangel Michael.

Michael gave him one of those creepy gleeful smiles and tried to stand suggestively. Jesus broke into a cold sweat.  
'Oh no,' he thought, 'If he decides to have his wicked way with me, he might find the scrolls.'  
"So uh...Michael," he began, "My, um...dress is back at my house..."  
Michael raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Fine fine," he sighed, "I'll give you a head start."  
He closed his eyes and slowly began to count to infinity. Jesus seized his chance and bolted for the whore house. Upon arriving in his room, he yanked the scrolls out of his sleeve and hid them beneath his mattress. (Yeah, how original)  
"......999999999...etc. Infinity!" Michael shouted before teleporting himself to Jesus' bedroom. luckily for Jesus, this had given him plenty of time to prepare for Michael's arrival. He lay on the bed wearing a women's robe that had been shortened to expose more flesh. That is, ankles and forearms. (Oooh sexy.)

ï‚¥² later....

When Michael had FINALLY left, Jesus collapsed back onto his bed.  
"Oh dear God," he prayed, "Bless you for those errands which keep Micha-"  
"Yes, my son?" a voice boomed from above, "Oh, right. You were thanking me for giving Michael those errands. If it weren't for that he never would have stumbled across you lying in that holy gutter of filth that night and taken you in and taked advantage of you. Ho ho ho. (yes God idolizes Santa). And you think I didn't know!" a giant finger appeared and waved from side to side as if disapproving. "You think I don't know what you get up to? I'm God after all! I know what goes on in your room at night. Daddy hears everything! Actually I'm very proud of my mortal son having relations with my favourite Archangel. Just like somewhere in earth's future/past the Greek God Zeus, who is far superior than I, approving of his half mortal son, Hercules, molesting small boys in dark alleys. Ho ho ho. Well I'm must be leaving now. Toodles!"  
And with that, the finger vanished.

So thats it for now. Comments? I'm wanting honest opinions here. Criticism is welcome. IF YOU'RE WANTING ETERNAL TORTURE IN MY REALM, THAT IS. Yeah....thats about it from me. disappears in a torrent of flames to be with Ackradin

-E.I


	2. Chapter 2

The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus. Part 2.

Jesus held his breath for a few seconds before letting it out slowly. He dived for the scrolls hidden beneath his mattress. His gaze settling on them, he breathed a sigh of relief, neither Michael nor God had sneakily taken them. He wanted to kiss and caress them, as if they were his children, or someone he was molesting. Or maybe his future children that he would molest. Whatever. Remembering to change back into men's robes, the scrolls resumed their place in his sleeve.

Praying he would actually get away this time, Jesus moved silently to the door and opened it slowly. Gritting his teeth as the door squeaked and wondering why it only squeaked for him when he was trying to get away and not when others were sneaking into his room at night.

Jesus slipped out of the doorway and down the hall, trying to act casual. This pretty much involved walking stiffly and trying to protect his left sleeve, which contained the scrolls. He managed to avoid most people who wanted his services, saying that it was his night off, and no he wouldn't be doing it for free, and hoping they wouldn't see through his pathetic lies.

He made his way outside and decided to start a long and perilous journey. Heading out of the small village, he began this walk without food, extra clothes, or any shoes.

After several hours of painful walking to nowhere in particular, (well he would have known if he had payed attention in Bible Studies and Geography), he came across a large field full of sheep.  
'These will provide me with good cover for the night and relieve my sexual tension.' he thought happily. Just as he was about to leap in and satisfy his man-whore needs, he realised there was another person amongst the sheep.

"Excuse me sir!" Jesus called, "I require a bed for the night and your finest sheep in the bed." He approached the figure cautiously.  
"Um, sir?" Jesus tried again.  
"I heard you." came the reply, a high squeaky voice.  
"Oh sorry, ma'am, but I was wondering if you could accomodate me."  
"That will require a heafty payment." said the high squeaky voice.  
"I apologise but I carry no money." Jesus said, hopeful that he would get this for free. Yes he's a tight ass. And no I don't mean that he has a tight ass. Not that I would know. Gross. shudders I only look at Ackradin's ass....  
"Then we'll find another method of payment." The figure turned, Jesus gasped in horror. It WAS a man. Well as far as he could tell. The man, who had now resumed his proper deep raspy voice, instead of the fake girlish one, was eyeing him up. The man was wearing a young girls robe that barely covered his large rear. The remains of his shaggy, greasy hair clung to his face and wrapped around his large, elephant-like ears. His large, bulging eyes rolled in seperate directions. The man's mouth widened in a grin, revealing two yellow, decaying teeth. The stench of his breath and body odour wafted over to Jesus, who was nearly ten feet away. Jesus began gagging as he choked on the smell.

The strange, creepy man suddenly lunged forward, closing the distance between them with surprising speed. His thick, beefy arms closed around Jesus' scrawny frame and encircled him in a bone crushing embrace.

As Jesus was crushed against him, he noticed something else. The man appeared to have stuffed oranges in his robes, to make up for the lack of man breasts. This was surprising because 1) the man was exceedingly fat and 2) Jesus himself has never thought to do this.

Yeah so thats part 2. Heh heh scarred? I thought so. Look what happens when I get the urge to write. Well uh..gotta spend time with Ackradin! Can't ignore her for the bible. Well making fun of it.. Part 3 will be up..um..later. After lots of time with Ackradin. grins cheesily

-E.I


	3. Chapter 3

The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus Part 3

Just as Jesus figured, the man was clumsy and uncoordinated.  
'I never realised it could take this long.' he thought in desperation, 'and I can't believe how much he smells, its like for his whole life he has gone out of his way to smell bad. It's almost like he's rotting on the inside.'

The man, whose name turned out to be Marian, had worn himself out and fallen asleep on top of Jesus in an very uncomfortable position. Jesus tried unsuccessfully to remove the sweaty chunk of lard, but it was impossible. At last, Marian twitched in his sleep and half rolled off Jesus. He seized this chance and managed to drag himself out from beneath the pile of stench. Jesus retrieved his robe, with the scrolls out from the mud, thankful he had been able to distract Marian when he had discovered them. As he attempted to chip away at the caked mud, he saw that the scrolll with the faint reddish colour had been ripped. He gulped, knowing a certan SOMEONE would be VERY displeased at this.

Jesus busied himself with 'testing' all the sheep to see which one he wanted. He finally settled on a large ram. Now content he resumed his journey. Well actually, he stole the ram and rode it (not in the sick way for once) into the sunset. Um wait, I mean sunrise. This method proved good as he was able to get away long before Marian woke to the empty patch of mud next to him.

After an hour of riding, the sheep collapsed and died. Actually it just collapsed. I'm so used to adding 'and died' on the end of everything. So the sheep collapsed and Jesus had to drag its body into a clump of bushes.

The overhead sun was hot and soon Jesus was very thirsty, as you can imagine. As he inspected the sheep's body he noticed something...  
"MILK!" he exclaimed, "And the good Lord provides! Blah Blah Babble Babble etc." So he proceeded to drink the 'milk'.  
"Wow! I didn't know male sheep gave so much milk!" feeling refreshed, he was now in a really good mood.

Jesus fell asleep in the sun, content with his last 'meal'. He was woken by an annoyed bleating sound. Opening his badly burnt eyelids, he saw the sheep standing over him.  
"Baaaa..." the sheep said, trying to indicate to the imcompetant human what he wanted.

So after Jesus had repayed the sheep and they were on speaking terms again, they set out for the next town.

When they arrived, Jesus noticed it was market day, and as he still had no money he attempted to sell himself so that he could lavish his sheep lover with gifts of gold and carrots.

Since no one would accept him, he tried another method.  
"But I'm Jesus, the son of God!" he yelled, standing atop some poor bastards house. As the people continued to ignore him, he began to jump up and down in frustration. The roof, only being made of straw, collapsed, and he found himself in bed with an old man who had leprosy.  
"I am the son of God!" Jesus screeched.  
"And I asked God for a lively young man as my dying wish. I don't care if he's slightly insane!" the old man replied.

Jesus turned and was about to leap off the bed, but the old man gripped his arm, and this old man was surprisingly strong.  
'Not like the ones back home.' he thought to himself. Or maybe it was just because Jesus was extremely sissy and weak. I guess we'll never know.

At that exact coincidental moment, the old man's family chose to come in. Seeing Jesus' predicament they smiled and retreated, giving Jesus and the old man privacy.

So thats Part 3 so far. I'm not gonna post it on until I add more. I would like to know what people think...I think... R&R or whatever... and to Ackradin: umm I think I will be awhile on this one.. heh heh grins cheesily sorry... I have a feeling it's gonna be a looong story, for once. I'll make up for it! Promise!

Okay, never mind, I'll post this one. And uh..the msn group said its too long? Wtf?

-E.I

Okay and...

Megumi: (or whatever the fuck it is) I would like to thank you for your review. Your comment touched me deeply. Its people like you that make it worth continuing. You may even get a guest appearance. And now I know that I have accomplished my goal. 

Ackradin: For being patient when I sit for ages writing this meaningless crap.

Oh and the strange symbols in chapter one are SUPPOSED to say Infinity squared. I went out of my way to find those especially and look what happens. Well someone WILL take the blame for this... –smirks- and I'll make myself feel better.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus Part 4**

Jesus tried to think quickly. But as soon as his tiny brain got to work, the old man had finished with him and was now making gurgling sounds as he slept.

"God damn it!" he yelled, "why does all this keep happening to me?"

"Yes my son-" the voice began, but was interrupted by Jesus' incoherent babbling.

"...and my Seify, who I have now apparently cheated on..." and he kept going, long into the night...

"...and NO ONE WILL BELIEVE that I'M The SON OF GOD...blah blah..." (Yes he actually said 'blah blah' as he was ignorant and had run out of things to bitch about.

"SILENCE YOU IMBESCILE!" God roared, making the walls shake and Jesus wet himself, or rather, on himself. (He wasn't wearing any pants). "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY umm...uh...INTEGRITY? No that's not it...MY...DIGNITY? No that's not it either...Oh! I know! My SUPERIORITY. YEAH THAT'S IT! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY (err what was it again?) MY SUPERIORITY! YOU PATHETIC INGRATE! I'LL SET MY SON ON YOU! Well that sounded good, did it not? AND NOWFOR YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

Jesus' eyes were singed off as a blinding light filled the room. As soon as he regained regular sight, he glanced around, taking in his surroundings. He appeared to be looking down into a valley, from off a cliff.

"AHHHHH!" he screamed, sounding rather like a constipated bird. He then, stupidly, tried to run away, and by this it was a lunge forward. But unfortunately for him he didn't get anywhere. As it appeared he was chained to the edge of a cliff. His hands were tied together and attached to a stake in the ground behind him. He was also pierced through both his ankles by rusty jagged metal loops, which were also attached to the same stake.

Just then, his senses kicked in, and the full force of the pain hit him. He screamed and screamed pathetically but there was no one around. And even if there had been, they would have mistaken him for a bird.

Yeah, yeah I know, this chapter is really short compared to the others. I'll write longer ones in the future, promise. I'll add Part 5 as soon as I can find it. Heh heh...

**Aqua Opal****: Thanks for the review! Lol Someone other that Ackradin who isn't insulting my story. At least you think it's funny. More to come....**

**Ackradin: Hey look! I added Part Four! Nyah. See I'm not completely lazy...It's only been like...a month since I wrote it. And I will add Part Five when I find it. AND I will go and look for it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus Part 5.**

**Yes, I'm updating. I'll try and make this chapter longer. **

**Just to correct a mistake in part 4, it should say "eyebrows" not "eyes" **

Jesus has been on the cliff now four two days. He was sunburned, hungry, thirsty and he had no eyebrows. He was beginning to think life sucked.

"_How long am I going to be here?"_ he wondered, _"I don't want to die! I have so many things to accomplish in my life!" _ So he tried to struggle. This caused him more pain than he ever felt possible, by nevertheless he continued. After about five minutes, he gave up.

Jesus sighed. The outlook was bad. He wondered whether or not to accept defeat and face Death.

"_But Death really hates me...she'll make sure I'm tortured in Hell for the rest of eternity.." _ His will to live increased dramatically.

"HEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!" He screamed.

A loud squawking caused him to look up. Far off in the distance, a strange brown bird circled above a small forest. This gave him hope. Jesus opened him mouth and squawked as loud as humanly possible. After several tries, the bird seemed to linger in the air, looking at him.

"Help me birdy, PLEASEEE!!!" He yelled. The bird suddenly disappeared.

"It has to be an act of God!" he cried.

Several hours later, the bird was back. This time it was flapping at him.

"I don't understand bird language! Try speaking human!" He shouted at it.

"For God's sake," the bird snapped, "I'm not really a bird. I changed myself into a bird in order to help you."

"Kinky." Came the reply.

"If I could roll my eyes, I would." The bird landed on the cliff and changed back into a human.

"Alright, I'll untie you. This may hurt." Came an actual normal sounding voice.

"As long as you tie me back up later." Jesus replied. There was a sigh, and a relatively strong arm gripped Jesus as he nearly pitched forward off the edge of the cliff. Jesus was pulled backwards and dropped on the ground.

"Hey! Ow!" he whined. The person stood beside him looking down. It was a man, around twenty five, shaggy red hair hung to his shoulders. He was reasonably well built, and around Jesus' height.

"My name is Suanda." He said.

"Wow! You're hot!" Jesus flung himself at Suanda and clung to his leg. "My saviour! Thank you for rescuing me from this dreaded cliff of cliffy doom!"

"And you are?"

"Why I'm: THE SON OF GOD!" Jesus exclaimed, leaping to his feet. "I AM ALL KNOWING AND ALMIGHTY! MILLIONS BOW BEFORE ME AND KISS MY FEET! And millions share my bed."

"Uh...huh.." Suanda said, raising an eyebrow.

"You....you aren't going to bow, kiss my feet and invite me back to your place?" Jesus asked, ever hopeful.

"No. But I guess I have to feed and clothe you, since I regretfully saved you." Suanda replied, "So you are coming back to my house with me."

"YES!" Jesus shouted.

So they took the long way to Suanda's house, Suanda hoping that Jesus would forget the way, and Jesus being excited and overbearing to the point that Suanda considered killing him and cooking him for dinner.

Soon enough, they arrived at Suanda's house. If you could call it that. It was a hollowed out pile of hay, found in the middle of that tiny forest Jesus had seen the bird circling.

"That...that's your HOUSE?!" He exclaimed.

"Yes. What of it?" Suanda said, glaring.

"Oh! Uh..nothing! It's very...quaint." Jesus replied.

"Quaint?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "QUAINT"?!!!" Suanda roared, brandishing a sharp stick. He thrust it menacingly towards Jesus.

TBC. Muahahaha!!!!

I thought this was a good place to finish part 5. Well kinda. Whatever.

**Ackradin: Looky! I did it!!!! Praise me!!**

**Oliversgurl: Yay! A positive comment! You gave me what I needed to continue...I was getting extremely lazy. Well continuing to be extremely lazy.**


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